restlessness and anger, a valentine's day message

hey there Denise -

I appreciate whatever you can do re: Bolivia. I think I want to spend a little time in La Paz and do some writing work. I relaly feel like I need to sit still in a foreign country for a bit, maybe a month or two. i have been pining for it, actually. I am naturally a restless person, but even all of this moving around lately has me a little off balance. I like paradoxes, I have found. I like to be at home quiet in the morning with a cup of coffee and my old computer and I like to be out in the middle of nowhere near nothing and I like crowds.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. - Uncle Walt, Song of Myself

Argie food is excellent. They really have it going on down here. I was planning to spend a week in this country and we have already spent about 7 here. You can read about a lot of it on my site (see how I made that fit in?): www.jakwon.com. Yep, I make pretty regular updates. Some of them interesting. It's actually been really frustrating b/c I don't seem to have the time to do any decent editing and there is only so much time that I spend in front of a computer down here, although all of these small little cities have been a bit much recently. Too small to have anything going on, but just enough convenience. Jujuy, for instance, has everything you need to make it uninteresting. I'll take a bit more sparse landscapes myself. We rented a car and I am waiting for Carmen before we can take off.

Christ, we are also in such radically different financial situations, it's appalling. To put it plain, she doesn't have much worry with money on this trip whereas I am a little crazy to be doing this. The reason we're waiting is so she can hear what her bonus will be for last year from the job that she left 6 months ago and is still getting paid for. Plus insurance. I think I'd be ridiculously happy all the time if I were getting an investment banker's NYC salary down here.

I have the IRS interested in me due to a shifty acountant I'd had a few years back and am now coordinating that and I am really not so sure how I am funding this trip. This difference in our situation seems to be something that Carmen is really unaware of. I think I am too aware of it, although we still do everything "dutch" with such religious equity (interesting term, ignore it) that it drives me a little crazy. Things are so Equal between us financially, I couldn't tell you.

Sometimes things go a long time between shifts. Sometimes things just plateau. I wasthinking this morning that what I would usually do during a lull like this in a relationship or during a hard time is to take a vacation or go somewhere for a day or two. But I'm really not sure what to do in this situation. We are on vacation.

Here's my horoscope for today - can you give a hand with that maybe?

A very karmic reward, one that has been building for years, could come your way today. If you have to take a short trip, the lessons you learn will have a deep impact on your worldview.

Christ help me if I am getting my Karmic reward...

I do the same I Don't Care, Leave Me Alone kind of thing. And I think it's best to do that a lot of the time, with no judgements or explanations req'd. I'm much happier that way.

Why do I feel like I'm acting? I think it's that i don't feel like I can respond the way that I naturally would to something happening. If I get angry, i get angry too often (which I do, but it's not good to point out. I have a bad temper. Telling me so doesn't mean that I will stop being angry and is fraught with power control issues as any legitimate anger i may feel could then be construed as Over-reacting to a situation and therefore inappropriate.). If I don't wake up happy in the morning (and i can count the number of days i have woken up happy), there seems to be a tension.

i feel like I am acting because I don't feel like I can just be myself but that every thought I have must be considered in response to someone else. maybe that's the way it is in all relationships, but i'd rather have a lot more emotional collisions than trying to maintain some kind of constantly happy status quo.

I have come to realize a few things about myself on this trip.

I am pretty accepting of other people, although I am also really impatient. My first response to adverse situations is often anger, but it never lasts. It's more like a vent to frustration. a lot of frustrating things come up travelling. I am really frustrated if I need to consider someone else's opinions of actions i'm not completely sure of myself. it's maddening to me, actually.

Not sure if any of this answers the question, but it is certainly a lot of typing... look forward to hearing back from you.

love,

Keith

Hey again -

Okay. There are a series of things...

first, know anyoneinterested in an assistant or intern for a montrh or two in La Paz, Bolivia? I am willing to do a lot of legwork myself. Three months in and I am eager to work. Suggestions?

two - over analysis and relationships, I am guilty of this. It's a hard one to figure. the nastiest blow ups are often about the smallest things because they're the safest. Anyone can tackle the the control issues about a dinner or a day out. Not many people want to talk about their own ways of interacting ina relationship. And I'm not sure that they need to. I think we're starting to approach the Acceptance Age, where all of out various and deep personal faults should just be accepted because they're unlikely to change. I keep facing the wall of Personal Improvement and making myself a better person for my better half. The fact is, I am not such a good person and I often find my own values and reactions reprehensible. But I don't seem likely to change any time soon, either. Not sure how to reconcile this in my current relationship.

three - discussion of power issues IS a power issue, but a subtle one. Be careful with this one because it's a fire that smoulders underground.

Four - two people make a mess in a relationship, not just one. You have to see what you do in a relationship because it's different than you think. When I know how to do this myself, I will send more details. MEanwhile, it's my struggle as well.

Five - I love you and I think you're a special lady. And no, I don't want to sleep with you, although there are worse ideas... I think you just accept what people are at some point. But the more you care about what someone thinks of you, the harder it is for you to just let things go and be yourself. Funny how that is. I can't think of many relationships where this is a probelm.

Six - Assume I know nothing. You're better off that way.

Seven - I'm not so sure about my lovelife, but I am reasonably sure that I won't be moving to Australia. Not for this reason, in any case. I feel like I am acting in this relatiotionship. You know what? I really don't like children. I would like to be a better person and love all of God's creations, but kids really bug me a lot of the time.

And at the same time, that's not true. I love kids. Think on this, it makes sense.

And yes, I am a little drunk and I have had an amazing meal and a few bottles of good Argie wine for about US$15 for 2 people.

Hope you'll forgive me, but I've surely done worse than this.

Love,

Keith

----- Original Message -----
From: Denise Coleman
Date: Sun, 9 Feb 2003 00:39:20 -0800 (PST)
To: Keith Christiansen
Subject: Re: bolivia



Can't remember the gist of the dream... just that you were in it and we were sitting on the edge of a volcano looking in. Hmmm... could be symbolic there... (fortunately or unfortunately, no leather or lace was involved... it's been a while since I had a juicy dream of that sort, which probably explains my state of mind... juicy dreams are good for the soul.)

Sorry to hear about you and Carmen having troubles... travelling together can make or break a relationship. I traveled across Europe with an old boyfriend and by the time we got back to North America, we got off the plane in Montreal, said goodbye and never spoke to each other again. We had one of those ten day-in-the-midst of travelling break ups too. And yes, I think I got drunk one night and kissed two Swedish guys (in the same room with only 30 minutes between both episodes.) It was a sign. (Ha ha).

Things are okay with Ryan and me... better than between Oct, and Dec. when i was wondering if there was something wrong with me and I was incapable of sustaining a relationship with a man. After all that drama, we seemed to have reached a better place, but we're having all this drama over the silliest things... For example, i missed lunch on Friday because I had so much to do at work so by the time I came home I was dizzy from hunger. I told him that we needed to go out and get an early supper, but I was so dizzy I couldn't wait, so i had a pb and j sandwich which pushed back our dinner a few hours. No kidding but we had the nastiest blow up over that. Its par for the course lately... the littlest things become monumental.

I can't handle it. He wasn't to dissect the whole thing and air the power issues and I don't even want to talk about it. i just want it to stop. I try not to explode or make the escalations worse but I usually end up resorting to my baseline tendency of fighting back, and then we have a disaster on hand. Like you, it makes me wonder if I have learned anything from all my failed relationships... But I also think a part of me is just TIRED of all the work involved in relationships. I just want to be emotionally left alone. I need to find some inner sense of peace and constantly discussing the "issues" makes me feel further and further away from inner peace. I think I know in my heart and soul that I can't handle anymore histrionics in my life, but failing to establish a life -- and a self -- that is free of these tendencies is upsetting me. I feel terribly conflicted and like a lousy person for not knowing how to ha! ndle all of this. All the problems between Ryan and myself started with him (long story and to do with his own issues and lack of fulfillment at work etc.) but it isn't as if I made the situation easier. Obviously, we've created the mess together, but sometimes, I just don't have the inclination to try to work on things because I feel so emotionally exhausted.

So that'smy personal life...

I WOULD like to visit you in NY. I just want to hang out with you for a while; that would be nice... I'll be in touch so i know when you'll be back in the US and I'll make plans from there. I have a friend who is a professor of pol. sci and Yale that I also want to visit, as well as an artist friend in Manhattan; so I'll do it all on that trip.

Will do a search for you on Bolivia at the office on Monday and let you know if anything serious or important comes up... same thing with Peru (pol. and econ problems mostly there). Sure Colombia's lovely but you don't really expect me to recommend that you check it out after a weekend when a bomb exploded at a night club inhabited by the diplomatic corps, do you? Just keep that butt of yours out of Colombia!!!!!

Be safe and take care of yourself. I do wish that your lovelife ends up being less of a mess than mine is... just because I wish you happiness. I wish me happiness too. Oh and i am drinking the occasional glass of wine these days, so I'll have a glass and toast us both with the wish for some joy in our personal lives.

I love you too, by the way, and truly appreciate the fact that we've developed this friendship thing. Sometimes I think I only have sanity because of my friends, and it may be that only my friends can love me in the long run. Anyway, I guess we can thank technology and your phone calls (I don't call; bad Denise) for the fact that after a couple of days at a trade show, we have this friendship. Email is a lovely thing.

Love,

Denise




Keith Christiansen wrote:

so what kind of dream was it...? Start with the spicy leather and lace stuff first. Indulge me.

Just pulling your leg. How are you?

As for issues, what are they? Talk to me. I am really looking forward to the day when we can sit and have a drink. Or I can have a drink and you can have a Perrier or some other suffering thing... Carmen and I are having our own issues lately. It seems like we're constantly tense and this after only getting back together 3 days ago after 10 days apart. Hard to say what the fuck to do. This is all new to me, even if I feel like I have been through the exact same thing before. I hate feeling like I am making the same mistakes over and again without being able to steer away from them.

Other than that, I am having a wonderful time. I keep running into essential male/female problems (insert John Gray's pedantic wisdom in here somewhere) - when I am tired or out of sorts, I like to be quiet. When she is, she needs to speak about it or to make ongoing commentary about any number of things. It is simple stupid stuff that we keep getting into, but it keeps getting read as much more than that. We are travelling on the road - a lot of tension seems too natural to me, but this is something we can't really discuss, which only makes me more insane about the whole issue. I really wonder.

This isn't the whole story, obviously, but the whole story is surely one you've heard before. Christ, I hate to be that boring.

What's up with Peru? That is definitely on the list. I've already heard a few nightmare stories of Venezuela. A few robberies, someone getting rolled out of their tent at night, beaten and robbed at gunpoint, a few others. Not my idea of a beach holiday.

I know Columbia is crazy, but I have a bunch of friends there and it sounds so beautiful too. I may never go, but it kills me how much I want to.

Probably coming back to NY April/Mayish (my brithday is June 6, which would also be really cool if you could be there), depending on money and the future of my relationship, I supposed. Which would also put the Australia thing in a whole other light. I have no idea where this will go. I am not easy to deal with, but I've never said otherwise. This is a difficult time for self-improvement, too. Although I think travelling suits me (and it doesn't suit everyone, I have found) and I need to make more of this happen in the future.

Things at home? My god, am I glad I am not having to listen to all of the palaver and nonsense surrounding this. It's appalling to watch it all unfold and I don't keep such good track of the news these days. You'll hate to hear this but in a lot of ways, I am glad to be uninformed these days. I hate to hear what's going on and the sense that it seems so damned ineveitable. The news I do read just seems like egocentric, pro America ballgrabbing by all the people who are supposed to represent the face of our nation. Jesus.

One day, I will also write something about cultural imperialism down here. But I have a million things to write about before then. As well as all of the rewrites for my site. ugh.

I'll get to it. Meanwhile, there's tourism to do.

I love you kiddo. Never forget that I like to hear from you.

Keith


Must be psychic. I had a dream about you last night. Thought that I should shoot you an email today but you beat me to it. Not much to say (warning wise) about Bolivia... Colombia, Venezuela and Peru are more worrisome. Be safe and have a great time. When are you headed back to the US? I gathered you were thinking of going to Australia for a while? I won't make plans to come to NY until you're back there so I can visit with you... Things are okay with me... complicated in some ways, but okay. Worried about the war; wish I were elsewhere; I think we're on sure footing to madness. I hope your trip s going splendidly.

Love,

Denise